I Climbed a Mountain, and Other Things.

Ya’hearrrrd me. I climbed a 14,110ft mountain this weekend with pals M&M and B. The adventure started with a drunken plan hatched by M&M and I about a week ago, and B decided to drive down from the bustling metropolis of Denver to join in on the fun. After watching our Hawks dominate, hatching a devious plan to make Pikes Peak our bitch, and playing a lively game of Naked Photo Hunt, we got after it. We planned on taking off around sunrise, which is about 7am. Right.

Awful morning person that I am (as in, don’t talk to me if you’d like to keep your fingers), I got myself out of bed after five or fewer hours of sleep and started getting ready. I went to the nearest 24-hour Wal-mart after work the night before to get a new backpack and some super-attractive men’s hiking boots. I looked gooood, if you’re the Brawny Man. I received a text from B the next morning saying that she hadn’t gotten to sleep until 3am (silly girls stayed up watching Something Borrowed—of course they couldn’t sleep! Nightmare!) and she was having second thoughts about climbing a fourteener (that’s a 14,000+ foot mountain, for those of you less rugged and outdoorsy than we are) after so little rest. So we agreed we’d all go back to bed until 8am, and they’d be at my place around 9am.

So, the girls got to my place around 10am. We didn’t start the hike until 11am. Not a brilliant idea. We started off pretty awesome actually—hiking two miles up a mountain in less than an hour. After lunch, though, we got into the more scenic areas of the rock, and of course had to stop and take a picture or hundreds. It was pretty amazing trekking on and looking back to see how far we’d come… unfortunately, when we got above the ridgeline, it was easier to see how far we had left to go. By the way, B had NEVER been on a real hike before in her life—grrrl’s either crazy or BA. Or both. (:

The stretch right before Devil’s Playground was pretty tough. The steep incline was intense and there were no rocks or any other form of traction. There was also a stretch of trail that literally dropped off within two feet—one misstep and you meet your rocky death in a 127 hour-style bloodbath. I’m just saying. Anywho, after Devil’s Playground it got all boulder-y and stuff and we ran into a nice young couple (I don’t know if the two dudes were actually a couple, but they are for this story) that began commiserating with B, who had started second-guessing her life choices. Conversation:

1^st half of Cute Asian Couple: How are you guys in such good shape? This sucks.
B: I’m literally contemplating suicide!
Bai: Well, I feel like that’s maybe a little dramatic.
B: No it’s not! I’M SERIOUS!

In her defense, we had hit another patch of incline that made our quads burn worse than a scenario in a bad romance novel, and the Peak looked pretty far away. As we continued our journey to the top, B continued to mutter hilarious one-liners about how this was the worst idea she ever had, she was going to die on the mountain, vultures were circling, etc. But haters be damed! Homegirl made it all the way to the top without becoming vulture-food—I did not have to climb back down and get her and she even beat the cute Asian man-couple who had supposedly climbed 11 fourteeners. Mmmhmmm. I should mention that 2^nd half thought there were mountains in Iowa. So….. grain of salt.

After climbing through rocks with no trail and nothing to guide us but stacked rocks called “cairns,” I finally saw a guard rail. We made it! M asked if I was close enough to hit it with a snowball. I said if I was Brian Wilson, I could. When the rocks ended, I was so excited I scurried up the mud-sand Exorcist-style and collapsed to the ground when I realized we still had a ways to go. Sometimes I’m a little too optimistic for my own good. But, tired and covered in mud, we indeed conquered the Peak. We were all pretty proud of ourselves for defeating our first fourteener on a very warm October Sunday. I mean, we climbed a mother-effing mountain!! Warning: it’s actually super-duper addictive. I cannot wait to do it again, but since it’s already snowy, thunderstorm-y, and freezing cold on top of most of the mountains, that will have to wait until another year.

In other news… that isn’t the only awesome thing about life lately. I found a j-o-b! I start working at the kiddie-hospital next week, and I think it’s going to feel pretty good to do something that’s actually directly helping someone for once. The only school option I’ve considered other than law school has been getting my masters in international health, so perhaps this will help me make my decision. Pretty effing stoked, y’all.

So that was numero uno on my get-your-shit together list. I’ve been working—and running—towards number two and I signed up for my first 5k Halloween weekend! Of course, remembering that Halloween is my favorite holiday EVAH and that weekend will likely be an epic boozefest, I wouldn’t expect records, but IT STILL COUNTS. I also bought some CrossFit classes on Living Social because they were super cheap and I apparently enjoy extreme physical pain and public humiliation. I’ll keep you posted.

I also de-cluttered and deep-cleaned my apartment and hosted my first party (during which we drank spiked slushies and watched the disappointing shit-show that was the Glee premiere)—I even got rid of my ancient mattress! I recycled it! It was only supposed to cost $10, but a funny thing happened: I put it on my porch and made an appointment for the dude to pick it up and collect the cash from me, but I woke up in the morning and it had magically disappeared! Translation: dude felt so bad that I’d been sleeping on a pile of springs like a homeless person that he decided to trash it fo’ free.

Also, I removed “move to Denver” from my list for now. I love my apartment—it’s cheap and it’s perfect for me, plus I’d miss the mountains and hiking in the mornings and finding bears in my trees. Instead, I’ve added the goal to give up soda! Okay, cut back on soda. But I’m keeping my morning coffee. If I quit that shit cold-turkey AND gave up caffeine altogether, I would kill everyone. Annnd I am working with a couple of friends to start a new young-professionals group (round two) and make Colorado Springs a little more fun for those of us who aren’t all Bible-thumpy.

In short, I’ve already got my list about half-way done and it’s only been a week! I mean, I’m getting back into shape, I’ve stopped being a twitchy, caffeine-addicted hoarder, and I climbed a fucking MOUNTAIN. October’s such a busy month that I may just lose my shit all over again, but for the time being I’ve got it together and I’m one of those assholes that loves her life and can’t stop smiling about it. Suck it, Mr. Krabs!

Now please excuse me while I drink Bailey’s and coffee and watch Tangled at an obscene volume. I’m trying to vindicate my neighbors’ suspicions that I’m crazy. PEACE.

Get Your Shit Together!

“It’s never too late–in fiction or in life–to revise.” -Nancy Thayer

Ok, I get it. I suck. I admit I suck. The first step is admitting the problem right? It’s been, like, four months since my last confession. A lot has happened since then, hence my lack of posts. I’m busy!

I have officially been in the CO for a year now, and aside from the purpose of this post, I couldn’t be happier. I got a couple of pretty good jobs in my area of study right after graduation, and I should probably have been more grateful for that since I know a lot of friends and classmates who weren’t so lucky. Alas, the ever restless nomad that I am left the second big-kid job (the reasons for which will get their own post soon enough) and came to a startling realization: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE!! (Help?)

I didn’t want to rush into things, so in true Bailey fashion, I spent my entire summer dicking around and enjoying myself instead of, oh, I don’t know, applying for jobs or schools. Among other things, I traveled all over the state of Colorado, road-tripped home to Iowa, jetted off to Chicago for Lollapalooza (uh-friggin-mazing BTW) and took camping and festival trips. I went white-water rafting and entertained visitors. I felt an earthquake. I saw a wild bear—in person. I checked 30 Seconds to Mars, Incubus at Red Rocks, Coldplay, Foo Fighters, Bright Eyes, and a handful of others off my musical bucket list. I conquered the Manitou Incline and stood at Pikes Peak.

And you know what? I wouldn’t trade all the road trips I took, amazing experiences I had, or friends I made for any job in the world (I should add that I DO have a serving job that easily pays the bills—I’m not THAT irresponsible!). But, when summer ended, again, in true Bailey fashion, I maybe panicked a little. Or maybe I freaked the fuck out.

Why didn’t I look for a job? I know everyone jokes about what a hippie I am, but when did I get so irresponsible? Should I go to law school? I’d love it, I’d do well, but what if I don’t like being a lawyer? Should I still join the Peace Corps? Should I try something completely different and get a job in PR or communications? Study social justice? Should I finally just buckle and sell my soul to Wells Fargo for good benefits and clinical depression? I know it sounds like I’m on crack, but try being inside my head for five minutes. You’ll be crying and rocking back and forth in the shower in two.

One of my best friends, who shall remain nameless (you know who you are… JJ), was talking to me about it over the phone, and he said something like “Jesus, Bai, get your shit together already!” I retorted something like “Dude, I love you, but fuck you!” Actually, he’s sorta right. But, as with all arguments, there is another side to be considered. Many—and I mean MANY—of my friends are having the same problem. A couple of us frequently joke about our lives being in shambles, particularly when we’re hungover at 8:00 on a Sunday night and none of us have showered.

I’m 23. We’re all in our early twenties. We have no kids, no mortgage, no credit card debt—I don’t even have a car payment, yet. What better time is there for us to NOT have our shit together? In fact, you know what? Maybe it’s THEIR fault. Maybe they send us to college too early (or, as Matthew Inman/The Oatmeal would say, they start by teaching us the wrong things in high school). For Christ’s sake, I started undergrad thinking I was going to be a rock writer. Like, for Revolver or Rolling Stone. REALLY?!?

I changed my major 346 times. I graduated with 30-odd extra credits. I should have known I still had some thinking to do. And we’re all struggling with that—we’re out of college, some of us found good jobs, some of us didn’t. But we’ve all stopped and looked around and discovered… older, wiser, and a little worse for wear, we still don’t know what to do next. Some of us are working for The Man against our better judgment, some of us are working for very little pay, and at least half of us are considering hitting the books for one more round. In this economy, beggars can’t be choosers, but the nice thing about The Man is that he doesn’t give a shit about you—so it’s okay to use him for financial security until you find something you really want to do.

My point is, I’ll bet most of you reading this are in the same boat. Either you’re treading water with no idea which way to look for shore, or, like me, you thought you landed your dream first job and found it wasn’t what you hoped it would be. My point is, you’re not alone. My point is, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone talks about finding themselves during their college years, but as liberating as college can be, there are still a lot of restrictions. If you want to have x major, you have to take x, y, and z classes. At the same time, when everyone’s telling you the sky is the limit, there are too many options to narrow it down, and let’s be honest, you were just as worried about extracurriculars and, ahem, social activities as you were about finding your calling. Not to mention all the small-town bullshit you were dealing with if you went to a school as small as mine.

This is me not worried about it.

Maybe NOW is the time to figure it all out. Maybe you can’t actually find the right answer until you’ve tried enough wrong ones. I may have been treating the past year as the spring break I never had, but I’ve still learned a lot. I’ve learned it’s really disappointing when you think you’ve got it all figured out but you don’t, but it opens your eyes to a lot of opportunities you didn’t know existed. That it doesn’t serve anyone to be a Debbie Downer, even when life throws you shitballz. That women are taught by society to compete against each other, and they need to knock that shit off. That we are not still in college, and our bodies know it. That your friends were right about your ex. That you really do find out who your friends are, and there are plenty more to be made. That life goes on, and in the grand scheme of things, it’s been pretty good to me. That “shit” is my favorite word. I could go on for days, but let’s cut to the chase.

I do so enjoy being young, learning life lessons and throwing caution to the wind, and I refuse to switch to full-on adult mode. But I’ll concede, it may be time to consider growing up, so I’m going to start being a leeetle more responsible. I hereby resolve to:

1.)   Actively apply for jobs in a variety of fields of interest. And land one.
2.)   Run at least two 5k’s. (And get back in shape so I don’t embarrass myself )
3.)   Finish my reading list. (I’d add the AFI’s top 100, but it’s Oscar season…)
4.)   Move to Denver!
5.)   Study for the LSAT, but research other programs I might be good at.
6.)   Write more (and using the blog to update you on these goals will allow you all to hold me accountable by yelling swear words at me via the comments section. Or you could try nice, motivational things. Whatever.)
7.)   Be nicer to myself. I.e. forget the past and the people in it; Relax more; etc. : )
8.)   Find a husband. Just kidding. How about de-cluttering my life? Yes.
9.)   Join more clubs of some sort and branch out my social circle.
10.) Stop taking JJ’s advice.

What about you, fellow non-shit-together-havers? Any advice? Words of wisdom? Goals of your own? Get at me. We’re in this shit together. Pun intended.

And if you need motivation from people who think you should get it together right meow, read this lovely post from Thought Catalog: Ten Reasons Why You Should Get Your Shit Together

“You can grow up anytime you want. You can do it at 20, 25, or 40. It doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with age. Growing up just means deleting things and people who are bad for you. It means taking care of business, taking care of yourself, and not repeating the same mistakes. Everyone has their own growing up to do. It does not mean you have to drink Earl Grey every night, get a cat and be in bed by 11. Jesus, that would suck.”

Relationshits: On Being Single

There is love, of course. And then there’s life, its enemy. ~ Jean Anouilh

All my single ladies: Listen up. Yeah, you. With the Disney movies, and the comfort food, and the self-loathing. Your Sally-Sad-Sac Facebook statuses are depressing me, and I’m tired of you selling yourself short. Turn off The Bachelor, put down—scratch that, burn—that well-worn copy of He’s Just not that Into You and take heed: It is more than okay to be single, you will not die of loneliness, and there is nothing wrong with you. (I mean, I’m not a psychiatrist, there might be something wrong with you, but most likely there isn’t.)

I know it’s easy to get down on yourself these days. Maybe it’s a Midwest thing, but while national statistics show that couples are waiting longer to get married, reality shows us that our friends are dropping like flies. We not only know people who are engaged, married or pregnant, but we know LOTS of people who are engaged, married, or pregnant, and we’re still in our early 20’s. And we’re happy for them, we really are. It’s just starting to seem like maybe you got skipped during that last game of pass-the-Kool-Aid, or maybe you just don’t listen to enough Beyonce.

It also doesn’t help that while I’m telling you it’s okay to be single, people like Tracy McMillan are telling women everywhere that if they’re single, it’s because they’re one of six things: A bitch, a shallow bitch, a slut, a liar, a selfish bitch, or a bitch who’s wallowing in self-pity. [I would just like to nonchalantly mention that Ms. McMillan has been divorced three times and thinks one of the fundamental aspects of marriage is the ability to fart in front of your significant other.] McMillan is not only making herself sound like a desperate moron, she’s also perpetuating a sentiment that is both categorically untrue and so fucking stupid it makes me want to punch kittens in the face: If you’re still single, there is clearly something wrong with you.

As a girl who is happily single and not sure she ever wants to get married, I think I’m entitled to say “Fuck you, McMillan. My un-married, un-divorced ass says you’re missing something.” So let me reiterate: there is nothing wrong with you. You’re not single because you aren’t pretty enough, or smart enough, or good enough. Sure, some asshole with small-man syndrome and mommy issues may have dumped you for those reasons, but that is not why you’re single. In fact, it may be quite the opposite. I think the biggest mistake we make is entertaining that stereotypical idea that perfect, beautiful women can have whatever they want. Wrong. We could all be gorgeous, smart, independent, driven, funny, strong, and sexy—hell, we could even love to drink beer and watch sports—and still be single.

Contrary to popular belief, all of those qualities don’t make one a boy’s biggest fantasy, but rather his worst nightmare. Show me one amazing woman, and I’ll show you one hundred silly little boys sprinting in the other direction; from what I can tell, nothing scares a boy more than a woman who doesn’t need him. (Note: I said “boy” and not “man.”) I mean, hello? Jennifer Aniston? Homegirl’s had more breakups than Joan Rivers has had surgeries, and she’s one of the hottest, smartest, and, most importantly, happiest bitches in Hollywood. I’m just saying, it’s harder for Angie to run away when she’s already produced or purchased 35 of Brad’s kids.

So now that the myth has been debunked, I know what you’re thinking. “Ok, genius, then why the fuck am I single?” And you know what? I have no idea. Maybe it’s because you’re so concerned about being single that you’re not living your life. Maybe it’s because you’re surrounding yourself with assholes. Maybe it’s because you’re an asshole. Or maybe it’s because you just haven’t met the right person yet. Like this CNN blogger points out in her response to McMillan, life has a funny way of ruining your plans. So in the grand scheme of things, the real question is, “Who the hell cares?”

Again, I’m no psychiatrist, but I firmly believe that the only reason the women around me are so fucking miserable about not finding their soul mate is because people tell them they should be. But think about your life, and I’m sure you’ll find plenty of reasons to love it. I mean, I’m thinking about mine. I love my job, I live in a beautiful place, and I can do whatever I want without feeling guilty or worrying about someone else’s plans. I have friends to go to movies with, run with, or shop with, and I don’t have to explain or worry about someone’s feelings when I just need some time to myself.

Writing this on a Friday night. Who you callin' slutty?

It’s easy to say that girls who like being single are bitter or slutty, but I’m not. I’ve been single most of my life, and it wasn’t for lack of opportunity, that’s for damn sure (and not all of the “opportunities” were douche-canoes). I look back on the happiest times of my life—my trip to Africa, my dream internship in DC, the year I turned 21 and destroyed my GPA, the present—and they all have one thing in common: I was single. And I wasn’t worried that I was single. I mean, isn’t that amazing? I haven’t met the man of my dreams and I can still be happy? Shut the front door!!

So, are you with me? Are you willing to quit holding yourself back and accept that sometime’s you’re single and that’s okay? Then take one last longing look at your friends’ engagement photos and give yourself a good, mental bitch slap. Realize that you are good enough to wait for the dude who really gets you. Who doesn’t cheat or lie or make you feel like you’re settling. Go have fun. Sleep with that pretty guy with his own name tattooed on his arm because he’s too dumb to spell it. Chase your dream career. Value your friends, family, and yourself, and live your life! Someone who really digs you for you will be drawn to it. Just promise you’ll stop with the self-loathing, and enjoy being young and carefree–don’t apologize, just own it. Let yourself be happy, and I promise you, you will be.

Hey, I’ll even start: I’m a messy, sarcastic, chick-flick-hating bachelorette who swears like a sailor and drinks wine straight from the bottle. You can call me a selfish, shallow, slutty, lying bitch but I’ll be damned if you catch me wallowing in self pity. I have goals, and I plan to reach them. I’m sorry I’m not sorry. If you don’t like it, you are more than welcome to go fuck yourself.

And seriously, enough with the Facebook statuses…

Far too many people are looking for the right person, instead of trying to be the right person. ~ Gloria Steinem

23 Lessons | In 23 Years

I’ve seen this done a few times, and with my birthday coming up in the year of “me,” I decided to jump on the bandwagon. Where I used to fear getting older, I now have feelings of gratitude and accomplishment for surviving another year. Yeah, that means I AM getting old. But, I’m rather giddy where I am today, and so I’ve decided to impart a few lessons I’ve learned (probably the hard way) that helped me get here over the past 23 years (or, you know, however long it’s been since I could talk and pee in a toilet).

23.) Force yourself out of your comfort zone. You’ll be amazed how much you learn.

22.) Money is a necessary evil, but there are more important things. Save a little for a rainy day, and spend the rest on experiences instead of possessions. I promise you’ll remember your impromptu road trip more than that unreasonably priced dress you wore on your birthday three years ago.

21.) Never let anyone take you for granted. If they don’t appreciate you, they don’t deserve to be in your life.

20.) You should, in fact, give a shit what’s going on around you. Read the news, and volunteer once in a while. It’s not going to kill you, but it may just save someone else.

19.) If you mean it, say it.

18.) Winning and losing are often simply matters of perspective. Actually, a lot of things are.

17.) You will never learn more about yourself and what you want than when you have to walk alone for a little while. Never let anyone else define who you are—and never let them make you forget it.

16.) “No one is irreplaceable” = bullshit. Some bridges are worth rebuilding. You’ll know when the other person is willing to meet you halfway.

15.) It’s all right to remain a “kid at heart”—in fact, I encourage it. But you have to learn to be a grown-up when it really counts.

14.) Beer and pizza with a great friend is the best therapy there is.

13.) Music—tangible evidence that someone, somewhere, sometime felt exactly as you’re feeling, and lived to tell the tale—can be as comforting as any religion.

12.) The most important, loveable, and inspirational things about the people who surround us are the things that make them different. Respect that. Appreciate that.

11.) Look on the bright side, and laugh at yourself. No matter what happens or how low you get—never lose your sense of humor.

10.) Everyone deserves another chance. Forgiveness is difficult, but liberating—the mark of a strong person. Grudges are easy, but heavy—they’ll only leave you cold.

9.) There are so many things about life over which we have no control. The past can’t be changed, nor the future certain. Only when you recognize and accept this can you actually live your life for all it’s worth.

8.) There isn’t just one person on this earth who is meant for you; be happy there are many. Love is not what Disney says it is, and often it isn’t enough. The white picket fence isn’t worth the torture of staying in a toxic relationship.

7.) Nobody’s indestructible. Be there for other people, but don’t forget to let them be there for you.

6.) Never regret anything. Make as many mistakes as possible, learn from them, let go, move on, repeat.

5.) Trust your instincts and don’t fear spontaneity. Some of my craziest decisions were the best I’ve ever made.

4.) There are no inherently bad people; only bad choices and bad circumstances. Everyone in this world does the best they can with the cards they’re dealt, and we all lose our way once in a while. Don’t be so quick to judge.

3.) You can’t please everyone—caring about what other people think of you is a horrible waste of time. Be good, but be yourself—and own it. If they don’t like it, fuck ‘em.

2.) There is a difference between compromise and sacrifice.  Never.  Ever.  Settle.

1.) Life really is short. Live accordingly. When we lose someone we love, we realize how much we allow ourselves to worry about trivial things. Always remind yourself what’s truly important and what won’t really matter in the end.

Well? Agree, disagree? Anything to add?

So This is the New Year?

“So this is the New Year… and I have no resolutions. No self-assigned penance… for problems with easy solutions.” -Death Cab for Cutie

I love that line. I realize that a new year is the epitome of a fresh start—a chance to get your ass in gear and turn things around. But why is it that we wait until January to make ridiculous once-a-year resolutions that were made for breaking? Why don’t we just look our shortcomings in the face as soon as we realize them and do something about it?

So 2010 sucked. I mean really blew. I’ll be the first one to tell you that. I don’t have to tell you why—you can read my previous posts and find out for yourself. But it wasn’t just me. I had plenty of family members, friends, and even minor acquaintances coming to me for help or advice because they, too, had one of the shittiest years of their lives, and I was almost at a loss to help them because I wanted it to end just as much as they did! Not to mention it was the year of the homo-hating tea party, natural disasters, celebrity deaths, the return of Jersey Shore, economic failure, and the craziest “politicians” since Palin herself (saying the craziest shit that’s ever been uttered in public).

I could go on forever, but I think you get the idea. On a scale of one to ten, 2010 was a 25 on the shitstorm spectrum. And just imagine how much worse it would have been if we’d all waited until the first of the year to “resolve” to fix it. But I didn’t, and so 2010 had its good moments, too, however delayed or outnumbered. I did, after all, escape the Midwest and find a job I love with a lovely title in a place I thoroughly enjoy. I also made some important cuts in my entourage (see: bitches n’ assho’s). People have healthcare, including the 9/11 first responders that most deserve it. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was finally slaughtered. Babies were born. I’m sure Snooki took a few punches. My point is, it wasn’t a total loss. My other point is, you shouldn’t be waiting for a landmark like the New Year to make changes; you should make them as you go along, but that doesn’t mean it’s not as good a time as any to start reevaluating your goals and priorities.

(If you thought your year was bad, read this post, feel better, and learn to fucking laugh about it :: FUCK YOU, 2010)

So let’s just talk about the whole resolution thing for a second. The reason I think it’s so silly is because people often resolve to reach the most futile, self-deprecating, and narrow-minded goals. For example “I wanna look like Natalie Portman, so I resolve to pick up a spinning class and an eating disorder,” or “People don’t seem to like me, I’m going to find a new crowd and be more of an ass-kissing fake.” The most popular resolutions are to lose weight or make/save more money, and there’s nothing wrong with that in theory, but so many people do it for the wrong reasons in the wrong ways—if they actually stick with it at all.

How about something less superficial and more logical, like, “If I die of a heart attack because I’ve clogged all major arteries with mounds of salt, my children won’t have a mother.”? Or, “I’m kind of a huge dick. I should probably knock it the fuck off.” I’m just saying, I think we’d all be more successful if we made these goals for better reasons—like being better people—rather than trying to convince the world you can totally shed fifty pounds and buy sweet rims for the Honda this year, just because it’s what they expect.

In one of my yoga classes this week, the instructor was doing her usual touchy-feely psycho babble bullshit: blah, blah, lightness within, ponies and rainbows (I know, I’m the worst yogi ever), but she did say one thing that hit home. She said that she, in agreement with me and this post, didn’t necessarily think narrow resolutions were the best way to start the year. Instead, she said, she’s chosen a word to carve her year with—a word that will remind her every day to pinpoint what she’s missing and go after it. She chose the cheesy word “delight,” to encourage herself to do more things that make her happy, but I agree with her overarching theme. Choosing my word was easy… “ME.”

It may make me sound selfish, but I don’t care. I don’t want to make any resolutions to get in better shape or save more money. Yeah, I could stand to get up earlier, relax more, and maybe date guys that can spell, but I should be doing those things anyway. All of the time. Not just when everyone else is making their goals for the year. Besides, if I do it right, all those things become extensions of my “word.” I’m resolving to take the year as it comes, like I usually do, with the recognition that there’s only so much I can control about life and all that comes with it, but to remind myself that I matter, too, dammit. I don’t mind being the helpful one, the “bleeding heart” as my family and friends call it, but it’s about time I realize I can’t please everyone and focus on myself for awhile. Selfish or not, it’s a necessary endeavor, and therefore, I have declared 2011 the year of ME. My year. My only resolution is to do whatever the fuck I want for once in my life.

Though I’m not the most organized person and I hate making long-term plans, I often worry too much about money, or where I’m going to go when I inevitably become bored with where I am now. Too often, some of us put other people’s problems ahead of our own. I’m sure to not make decisions without considering how they’ll affect other people. Not this year. As long as I still behave like a somewhat responsible adult and ensure the bills are paid, the rest is fair game. Every month, I’ll do something I’ve never done. If I want to go to a film or music festival, I’ll buy tickets. If I want to take off for Vegas, or Malawi, I’ll go. If I want to jump out of an airplane, you bet your ass I’m going to jump. If I want to date three guys at once, of course I will. I’ll wear what I want, sleep where I want, act how I want, and enjoy my life without fear of consequence. And anyone wearing judging eyes right now can kiss my ass.

I’m not saying I won’t still be here when my friends and family need help or advice, and I still want to spend time with all of them. But I am saying I’m going to stop letting all of it consume my life. It’s great to be the person who’s there for other people, but when you let other people’s problems become yours, you no longer have the objective outsider’s perspective and advice they were looking for in the first place. I’m saying that this overachieving booknerd is going to throw caution to the wind and be a careless, self-involved asshole while she still can—before she has too much responsibility. And I don’t care who knows it. For the next year, it’s all about me, ME, meeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! And I. Can’t. Fucking. Wait. Oh, that’s right. I don’t have to. It starts right now and ends when I say it does. I look forward to telling you all about it. Happy New Year, bitches.

NOTE: If you’re coming up with excuses about how you don’t have the time or energy to try some new things this year, read these posts and reconsider (they don’t just apply to writing)::

Copywriting 101: What’s Your Excuse for Not Achieving Your Goals?

RedHead Writing: Going Mobile: On Movement

So… What’s your word? What will you do that might actually make this year better than the last?

 

I Hope They Serve Whiskey In Limbo: The WORST Pickup Lines…Ever.

Anybody who believes that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach flunked geography.  ~Robert Byrne

Ah, the pickup line. Any woman who has ever been to any bar, anywhere has heard at least a handful of terrible lines from a drunken idiot with Small Man Syndrome. But it isn’t just in bars. I’ve heard some pretty laughable attempts anywhere from the restaurant I serve in, to the street I’m running down, to the fucking grocery store. As another weekend approaches, I’ve decided to share with you a few gems I’ve heard over my last three years of minding my own damn business.

Some attempts are just funny and can be laughed off, but in sharing botched lines with a friend the other night, we came up with a few personal experiences that, while still funny in retrospect, probably warranted a roundhouse kick to the jaw. That is, while we’ve heard the typical “I lost my phone number, can I have yours,” shit before, creeps these days are starting to get pretty creative, bold, and more than a little offensive. Chalk one up to Tucker Max and his ignorant band of dirtbag friends. Some of the men are, like Tucker, roided-out high school heroes with Affliction t-shirts and some other girl’s name tattooed on their arm, but asshole-ism knows no aesthetic bounds. In other words, today’s creeper thinks he can get any woman he wants, regardless of his looks, social stature, or personality. Which makes for some pretty awkward moments for us girls.

I’m not saying women don’t use a few cheesy lines themselves, but my friend and I haven’t had too many girls try and pick us up personally, and we’ve yet to see them pull shit like this. Let this serve as a warning for both genders: Girls, please have some dignity and wait for the dude who is secure enough about the size of his penis to actually start a conversation with you instead of telling you how nice your boobs are. And gents, be the guy who’s secure enough about your manhood NOT to resort to these shenanigans that are likely to, at best, get you a drink in the face.

PS: The following are all lines that I have actually heard. I wish I were kidding.

#15 “You and your friends come here often?”

Translation: I’m convinced my odds go up significantly if I have more chances to take you home. Please make it easier for me to stalk you.

#14 “I’m just saying, we’re the two hottest people in the room. We’d have really attractive children.”

Yes, because we just met you and we already realize what an over-compensator you are, we clearly want to produce your offspring. No matter how attractive they are, it probably won’t make up for all the girls they impregnate or the cost of special classes they’ll inevitably need for their severe learning disabilities. No thanks, sir.

#13 “You look familiar, do I know you?”

This one happens all the time. I’ll give you credit boys, it pisses us off a lot less than the others. However, you know perfectly well that we’ve never seen you before in our lives and that your lame pickup attempt is going to backfire hardcore. Sorrrryyyy. A for effort, though.

#12 “Just so you know, you won tonight’s contest for best legs.”

1.) Excuse me? When asked what contest he was referring to, he explained that he and the other bartenders were judging the entire bar 2.) Homeboy was over fifty 3.) I was wearing a Native American costume, and it wasn’t Halloween, but they had no comment on that. What an honor.

#11 “Do they only hire models here?”

This is an older hombre sitting at my table at a restaurant, referring to the fact that 90% of our waitresses were tall and thin. Yesss. Because if we were models, we would definitely be serving your rude ass beer and pizza right now. Cute.

#10 “My friend thinks you’re hot.”

Another popular one. Either your friend is too insecure to talk to this girl himself, or you’re too scared to hit on her directly, and are therefore using him as an excuse. Neither option spells success for you, mister.

#9 “But, I miss you.”

I dare you to claim you haven’t heard this one. This is the ex line, and it’s gender neutral. I’ve seen both sexes use this one on their ex-flings/girlfriends/boyfriends. Translation: “I don’t know what I want in life, but I do know that, right now, I wanna get back into your pants.” Tell him/her to cry you a river and bugger off.

#8 “You have really nice child-bearing hips.”

Ew. There are no words.

#7 “Your place or mine?”

Your place. I’m giving you an indefinite head start. Dick.

#6 “I think I’m in love with you.”

Really? Cause we just met. I think you’re drunk, and that you have serious emotional issues. And you’re about to see how fast I can run.

#5 “*Cat calls/honks from a car.*”

Death. What, exactly, do you think is going to happen? You honked at us. But we probably asked for it, minding our own business, running in baggy shorts, a pony-tail, and an old t-shirt, and sweating like pigs. Now pull over so we can give you what you want. You’re an idiot. Flipping you off is an automated response, though my friends and I occasionally like to yell back, “Show us your tits!” or something to that effect. Muahaha. You did, in fact, ask for it.

#4 “What’s a tall drink of water like you doing standing here by yourself?” (My friends were right next to me) or “Well, aren’t you just a tall drink of water!”

Really?! If I hear this line one more time, I’m going to start handing out tall drinks of my fist. Have fun digesting those teeth, homeslice. PS: The 1950’s called. They’d like their lingo (and your hairline) back.

#3 “I know there’s no chance of you sleeping with me, but I just want to buy a beautiful girl drinks all night.”

Goooood. Now we know not only that the first thing you thought of was sleeping with us, but also that you’re well aware you don’t deserve it and are stupid enough to try anyway. I believe my inebriated response was something like “I actually have a good personality!” but after hearing his offer to buy my friends’ drinks also, they convinced me to let him buy a round. Whatever, it’s his penance for making us put up with all his lame sauce.

#2 “Can I get a Bud Light?”

Oh, no you didn’t. Motioning toward the bar, I responded, “I’m sure you can…” He replies with a shit-eating, 30-year-old grin, “Oh. You don’t work here? You’re wearing a black t-shirt. Anyway, I’m all about this women’s lib thing.” Yep. First of all, the waitresses’ shirts said DRINK in huge letters. I was wearing a worn-out Goo Goo Dolls t-shirt from junior high. Nice try. I simply informed him that his inability to read was a huge turn-on, and my friend, laughing hysterically, added, “Dude. You picked the worst girls in this entire bar to use that line on.” Oh, the hilarity. His friends at the next table were laughing at him harder than we were. Epic fail.

#1 (The Big Kahuna): “I’m getting married tomorrow. I’ve only got a few hours left to make a big mistake. *Wink*.”

I SO wish I were making this up. While serving a bachelor “party,” the obnoxious groom-to-be, sporting a secondhand tweed jacket that said ‘Game Over,’ kept showing me his ‘to-do’ list and relentlessly begging me to help him check things off. List items included “Get three girls to bite off your candy necklace,” “Get a girl to take her top off,” and “Make out with a stranger.” Class, class, class. After literally an hour and a half of pure harassment, I not-so-politely informed them that he and his buddies (don’t worry, his impressionable 17-year-old little brother was present) could go to the bar if they wanted any more drinks. Later, I watched him do body shots off some cougar wearing half a shirt, and my managers forcefully kicked him out after catching him mid-sex with said cougar in the women’s restroom. His wife is ONE lucky gal. I can’t wait to get married.

Don’t get me wrong, flirting is fun. Who doesn’t love it? You have to kiss a few toads to find a street-able frog, or something like that. But there’s a difference between flirting and making sure you’ll never get laid.  I feel bad for the good guys out there who get shot down because these cats don’t know the first thing about interacting with fellow humans. And that’s not even the half of it! We’ve seen it all—guys leaving us their numbers, still charging onward when we lie and tell them we’re engaged, taking their shirts off in public, giving us flowers/weeds they’ve stolen from a flower pot on the street, grabbing our asses (I swear to Jesus, you will get slapped for this one), and then some.

Word to the wise: Your success rate is going to be seriously low with any woman who possesses even a shred of self-esteem. And if you make it your practice to prey on the poor girls who seem to have none: wise choice. Have fun dying alone. And you know, there are a couple of lines that don’t take much effort and just might get you a phone number or two. “Hi, my name is ______” is a great start. Good luck fellas.

**What are some of the worst, cheesiest, or dirtiest pick-up lines you’ve ever heard (guys or gals) in actual practice? What was the reaction to the attempt? I’d love to know my friends and I are not alone, here =)

“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other.  Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.”  ~Katharine Hepburn

Anybody who believes that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach flunked geography.  ~Robert Byrne

How To Avoid Buying Your Friends

So I’ve been in the Springs for a little over a month now, and I do feel like I’m beginning to get adjusted. Annnnd a recent trip back home reminded me that, while I miss my family and friends like Paris Hilton misses coke, I’m so lucky and excited to be in a new place where I can start over. I’ve finally done a bit of decorating in my apartment (pictures to come), I’ve been running again and starting to adjust to the lung-bursting altitude change, and I’m grudgingly coming to terms with the hoard of high-strung Air Force cadets trying to knife each other in bars every weekend. (Not kidding. I want to be a Colorado Springs police officer, so I can make 50 grand a year to break up bar fights and hand out DUI’s.)

Take me home?

The dog thing is still on my wish list since, go figure, I’m now too busy to be responsible for even a plant. I’m pretty sure the one in my office is on its last leg. Anywho, my busy schedule was taken on voluntarily, since I’m pretty sure I have the most serious case of adult ADD ever recorded. When I first got here, I’m convinced my neighbors were collectively plotting to kill me for the constant stream of a seriously awkward mix of show tunes and oldies rock music blasting from my apartment while I puttered around all day.

Now that I’m getting settled, I’ve found plenty of things to keep me busy. I’m still doing the Comm/Development Director gig at my non-profit, and I took on a job at an adorable Mediterranean café (hence the emphasis on starting to run again) for extra cash toward the puppy/new computer fund. I’m also painting and reading again when I find time. It isn’t just about my inability to sit still, though. Anyone who’s taken the leap and moved hundreds of miles away on his/her own knows it’s hard to get adjusted, find things to do, and meet new people all at once. So, here are some tips that have worked for me that may offer good insight to those of you in a new place. They are great ways to network and have fun in a strange new environment.

– Join a gym or fitness class: I always scoffed at yogi’s and thought the whole “centering yourself” meditation thing was cheesy bullshit (I’m still not totally convinced otherwise), but I’ve started doing yoga here in town and I love it. I’m more into the power/hot yoga category, because I don’t feel like it’s a workout unless I leave the class sweating like Richard Nixon in front of a camera. Plus I’ve always been better at connecting with men rather than women, so this has been an awesome way to make some friends with the same anatomical construction as me. (There are guys in the class, though).

– Volunteer: I start tutoring at the Children’s Literacy Center this weekend, and already have a  few friend dates set up. Some are much older and married, an unfortunate consequence of being pretty much the youngest person in my field here (though, like me, these peeps aren’t much inclined to act their age). How easy is that? You meet a ton of like-minded people who, I don’t know, actually give a shit about other people, and get to give back at the same time. Such a great success, I’m training to volunteer at Memorial Hospital next week, and I plan to fill in at the food bank if/when I have time.

– Get a crappy second job: Serving may not be the most glamorous job in the world, but slack-off gigs like this are great ways to meet people. All you do is interact with others, and coworkers in places like this are usually young, fun, and just as apathetic to the work as you are. In my six years as a waitress, I’ve learned that fellow servers are generally heavy smokers and burnouts, but they also like to party—so it’s still a win.

– Hang out in popular…well, hang-out places: I put off getting internet in my apartment and went to the library and Starbucks to steal their internet, and that worked well. The people at the library are less douchey than those who chill at Starbucks—but then, the Starbucks lurkers are still less douchey than those you’d be likely to meet at the bar (I’ll get into that in my next post).

Frieeeendz?

– Use people: Don’t be afraid to force your coworkers to help you network. Even if your colleagues themselves are more socially inept than Charles Manson, they’re still a good place to start. They likely know their way around better than you do, and if they’re awkward they’re actually more likely to get excited about you tagging along. Head to some of their favorite clubs or restaurants with them, make friends with their friends and so on. Or just meet cool, social strangers who are less likely to stalk you or kill you in your sleep. It’s all about networking, people. Hell, people I’ve met through work have even tried to set me up on dates—which clearly means they don’t know me well enough yet. But it’s the thought that counts.

– Hit local events: In this day and age, there are always small organizations (like the Des Moines Social Club or, here in the Springs, Peak Radar) that exist specifically to plan social events and/or inform the public of other sweet happenings in the area. Subscribe to their newsletters, shake your small case of nervous agoraphobia, and hit them up. A lot of these events are free and super fun, and I even scored free tickets (worth 200 apiece) just for connecting with these organizations. Even if they turn out to be hangouts for  hipsters who fell off the bandwagon and hit every stupid trend on the way down, they’re still all worth a shot, especially if they’re free.

– Take a class: Check your local library, and you’re likely to find a butt load of free classes. Some are a little ridiculous (domestication 101, anybody?), and a lot of them are, like, old-people computer classes, but some of them are actually awesome. I’ve taken social media and grant-writing workshops, and I’m taking Spanish fo’ FREE on Thursdays. Boo ya. I’m also going to sign up for voice/piano lessons (because I felt I wasn’t a big enough fucking geek already) and belly dancing classes. You can find just about anything of remote interest to you (even book clubs are good) if you’re willing to do some research.

– Social Media: No offense (seriously, I know it works for a lot of people, and, hey: good for them) but I’d rather eat an entire tub of rats and jump off a ten story building with a badger for a parachute than do online dating. Trust issues what? But social networking sites are a great way to branch out. I’m starting to get lots of local followers on Twitter, and I’ve actually met a few people that way. I’ve also met a few that were pissed off that a newbie stole their mayorship on Foursquare. At least I’m less of a geek than those socially challenged net-tards.

That’s just the beginning. Like I said, if you’re willing to do the research and bite back your pride and insecurities about being an outsider, you’ll have no problem at all fitting in. How do I find time for all that, you ask? I’m actually a vampire. Obviously. I’ve never been much of a sleeper, so being an insomniac actually saves me a little time. Plus, it turns out I’m actually really good at time and money management. Geek factor number 567: I have separate spreadsheets keeping track of my budget and my schedule. That way, I know I have the time and money for everything before I take on anything new. And yes, people still talk to me, assholes. But you don’t have to do all these things either. If you just pick one or two that you feel most comfortable with and throw yourself into them, you’ll be golden. Moral: Don’t be that awkward Charles Manson dude. Now that you have ideas, stop being an antisocial bitch and go make friends. I’m going to make a fantastic mother some day.

Today’s Life Soundtrack

All you need is the thing you’ve forgotten: And that’s to learn to live with what you are.

-Ben Folds

Yo. So, after all that ranting and raving about the horrifying realities of job-hunting (none of which I rescind, by the way), I got a job! A great one, actually. I’m now the Director of Development and Communications for an equality and religious freedom-focused nonprofit and I L.O.V.E. it. Have hope, my friends. There is a place for us youngsters in the working world, so keep looking for your niche and you’ll find it.

As you may know, I picked up with about a week’s notice, packed up all my worldly possessions (you’d be surprised how much shit you can accumulate after living on your own for four years) and took off for Mountain land. What better place for an outdoorsy tomboy type with an adrenaline addiction than the Rocky Mountains? Eh? Big city Denver’s close, too (Go Rockies—Go down, Broncos). Some of the things at the top of my list: Get a dog, learn to rock climb, mountain bike, snow board, run some road races, and sky dive. I’ll be sure to share my experiences, as long as I don’t kill myself, being the clumsy brute that I am.

Anyhoot, my life’s been a crazy mess of moving, unpacking (I’m WORKING on it, ok?), decorating the new place, and adjusting to the new people and terrain for the last few weeks. The altitude is a particularly interesting acclimation. That, and being a leftist-liberal-feminist-equal rights-hippie in the land of Focus on the Family (fucking terrifying) and Bible Gate. It’s fine. But it hasn’t allowed much time for brainstorming sweet blog topics.

That said, I’ll continue to work on some new posts that are actually relatable accounts about growing up and the real world—and hope that you’ll share your experiences as well. But for now, I’ve decided to add a regular info post featuring my life’s soundtrack. I’ve had several people ask me to share music with them, or tried to find it on my Facebook page, so I’ll just give you a short list each week of what I’m listening to. Maybe it fits my mood, maybe it’s what’s on my iPod for long runs—whatever. It will be good shit: some new, some old, some classics, and some guilty pleasures. And if you don’t agree, that’s fine. Just don’t expect your John Mayers,Fall Out Boys, Metallicas, and other bandwagon crap that the fellow with self-esteem issues breaks out his guitar for at inappropriate times. Not happening.

SOOOOO here’s this week’s list. Enjoy—and I’d be happy to hear what you’re listening to! I’m always looking for new stuff, and I’d love to share your ideas with my many followers. Ha.

[Hint: Since WordPress sucks, I can’t post the songs from my iTunes without paying for an upgrade, so some will be YouTube videos, and some link to the lyrics, but you can hit “Listen now” from the sites. It’s enough to see which ones you like, then you can download them yourself :)]

1.)    Company of Thieves: Oscar Wilde

2.)    Third Eye Blind: About To Break

3.)    Cast of Glee: Somebody To Love [In the style of Queen–Best guilty pleasure ever. Trust me.]

4.)    Creedence Clearwater Revival: Long As I Can See the Light

5.)    M.I.A: Born Free

6.)    Angels & Airwaves: The Flight Of Apollo [And the entire LOVE album—it’s the best album I’ve heard in years, and it’s fucking free: check it out, report back].

7.)    Jimmy Eat World: My Best Theory [1st single off their new album: due 09/28/10]

8.)    Cage the Elephant: Ain’t No Rest For The Wicked

9.)    The White Stripes: You Don’t Know What Love Is (You Just Do As You’re Told) [This is an all-time favorite]

10.)  Ryan Adams: English Girls Approximately

11.) MGMT: Kids

12.) Ben Folds: Learn To Live With What You Are

Enjoy, kids. -B

Please don’t look at life, look at me so sadly. Life shouldn’t hurt, doesn’t hurt so badly…

-AVA

Job-Hunting for the Young Professional…Blows.

Ah, the job-hunt: one of the most exciting, life-changing, and self-deprecating aspects of moving on from college and into the real world.  You can pull your hair out in frustration and impatience as you search, try, and fail to acquire your dream job or you can settle for an unpaid internship or the “just another number” corporate cubicle gig that makes you want to punch a baby. Either way, you’re likely to hate your life for at least the first several months. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I’m all about keeping it real.

Take me for example. I’ve never been one to take the “settling” route, but I’m not judging those who do. Fact is, they’ve probably got more money in their pockets than I even have in my bank account, and some people don’t need to be on the go all the time, so to each his own. I actually was lucky enough to get a job in my field of study before I even graduated. I just wasn’t lucky enough to like my job, or the people I worked for. At any rate, while I’m not holding my breath for that dream job just yet, I am working hard to find something that keeps me busy, stimulates my interests, involves moving away and starting new adventures and keeps me from working for the infamous “Man.” Tall order? Nah. These are my stories.

First of all, some advice for those of you just starting on the search for a real job outside your stomping grounds that’s actually fulfilling: be afraid. Be very afraid. Even if you get the great job, as you eventually will, it will not be without hard work and an epic loss of dignity. I’m just saying, be prepared for grovelling and rejection. You’ll probably get shot down more than a model with a beer gut and bacne. More than Lindsay Lohan’s probation officer. More than Mel Gibson trying to pick up girls in a Brooklyn deli. You get the idea.

Don’t worry, there are coping mechanisms. Screaming into a pillow while punching it violently is a personal favorite of mine. I also like to run, cook, listen to slit-your-wrists music and eat my feelings. Those are all right up there with smoking, or drinking copious amounts of caffeine and alcohol in order to both quell the depression and stay awake long enough to submit fifty bajillion more resumes before the deadline. And that’s just to deal with the Dear John letters, false hopes, or—even worse—blatant snubs from potential employers. There are several other rings of Hell you must first venture through before you’re even privileged enough to succumb to the eternal damnation of failure.

To start, updating your resume is stressful. You can’t win on this one. You’ve got to adjust and tweak it for every little area of interest or category of employment. For example, a legal resume should look very professional and concise, as opposed to a design resume, which should stand out for its creativity and ingenuity, and blah, blah, blah. Whatever. No matter what you do… “This is TOO fancy. What’s she trying to prove? Overcompensate much?” “Is he trying to be professional or bore us to death with this Times New Roman crap?” “She only worked at this firm for six months. I bet she was sleeping with the boss.” “No, I’m sure she’s too uptight to get along with.” “She wasn’t involved enough in college.” “He was such an overachiever.” “Do you think that internship is for real?” “Does she REALLY enjoy three degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon?”

Je-sus Christo.

And then… there’s the cover letter. The mother-effing bane of my existence.  The crappiest thing about the job hunt is that you are only as good as you look on paper, and it’s extremely difficult to use such little evidence to differentiate yourself from other candidates. The worst of it is that damn cover letter. You’ve got three paragraphs to word vomit about how freaking awesome you are and why they should hire you over the next schmuck with the same background and experience: Go. Really?! Why don’t we just offer to “work something out” now and save us all the time? Eventually, everyone will claim you slept your way to the top anyway, so why not cut to the chase and shred the whole cover letter idea altogether?

JUST kidding. Right? Anyway, you have to fine tune every cover letter to each specific job application so you can show them just how perfect you are for that job and that job alone. Right. I hope you’re good at bullshitting, or you’re totally sunk. Once you get really desperate in this bad economic climate, your letters may start to look something like this (phrases in bold to be read in high-pitched, whiny, satirical Barbie voice):

I’d be perfect at grooming the dogs and cleaning up cat shit. Why wouldn’t I? I just love all God’s little creatures, and am not too proud to get my hands dirty… Look, I have this worthless forty-thousand dollar piece of paper called a degree, and I’d rather kill myself than work at Wendy’s, so please just hire me before I jump in the nearest oven or take the toaster in the bath. I look forward to working with you and all the little critters at Pet Land! SMILEY FACE.

So maybe I have a flair for the dramatics and an overactive imagination, but it ain’t pretty out there, kids. If you don’t listen to anything else I say, at least heed my advice and have someone look over your materials before sending them out, lest you appear the village idiot who can’t spell/use proper grammar… or be put on suicide watch.

Next stop? The interview. Yipes. If you’ve managed to land one of these, you are in good shape, my friend. That means you’ve broken through the paper barrier and earned the chance to actually show your personality and prove yourself. Of course, now you have to fling the bullshit in person without blowing your own cover, so if you’re prone to heavy sweating or breaking out in hives, you should bring a towel and a first aid kit.

Easy on the cleavage, girlfriend.

Annnd here we go. You have to make sure you dress properly, but don’t overdress—who do you think you are? Ask them questions and engage them in conversation so that you’re not doing all the talking, but for God’s sake don’t just sit there! Don’t fidget too much. Use body language to show that you’re interested. Be prepared. Try not to sound scripted. Don’t look too good, it’s intimidating. Look your best, people are shallow. And the list of double-standards goes onnnnnnn and onnnnnnnn…. But, there are things everyone should know NOT to do… like ask the boss if she’s pregnant. With your luck, she’s probably just saving up for winter. And then you wait. And wonder, are they really giving it that much consideration, or are they just messing with me? Patience is a virtue, and employers will wear it as thin as Michael Jackson’s pasty epidermis (too soon?) just because they can.

In all seriousness, there are several ways to be well prepared for the job search process (and if you follow the links I’ve included in this post, you’ll find some truly great advice from experts who are more experienced and less bitter about job hunting), but many of the double-standards and obstacles are far from urban legend. Some of it’s not what you know but who you know, some of it is hard work and preparedness, some of it’s experience (gotta have some to get some, right?), and honestly, some of it’s pure chance. You called at the right time. Your resume was on top. Your name sounds familiar. Your mom dated the VP in high school. Et cetera, et cetera.

In conclusion, if you’re experiencing the same type of job-search anguish, or you’re unhappy in your desk job, you know who to vent to: a friend, a family member, your dog—anyone but me. I don’t care, I’ve got my own problems. Again—kidding. Feel free to comment below and share in the frustration. In the mean time, good luck with your job search, and get ready to wade through hundreds of applications before you find the right one. Eventually, it will happen. In the mean time, may your standards and expectations be low and your hopes high; and may you have a bottle of whiskey in the cupboard at all times. Just make sure to keep your most supportive friends close by… and the electronics away from the bath tub.

Happy hunting, friends.

Today’s Life Lessons… from Jimmy Johns?

In addition to being a film, music, and book nerd, I am also a self-diagnosed quote junkie. While wasting a lazy Saturday watching endless episodes of the OC (don’t even judge) some months back, a few friends and I decided to grab some lunch downtown and stumbled upon something I can’t help but share.

The following pieces of inspiration have been thieved from a poster, found inside a Jimmy Johns in the East Village. It was an odd/surprising place to find such a thing; nevertheless, I found it incredibly relevant and sometimes  even powerful. Please enjoy the advice and words of wisdom as much as I have, and look for actual updates on my grown up life later this week (hint: I’d love it if you’d keep your fingers crossed for me over the next few days), upon my return from Colorado. As I said, enjoy… and let me know which ones are your favorites!

-I Believe… that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

-I Believe… that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you once in a while, and you’re going to have to forgive them for that.

-I Believe… that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

-I Believe… that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for   life.

-I Believe… that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

-I Believe… that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.  It may be the last time you see them.

-I Believe… that you can keep going long after you can’t.

-I Believe… that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

-I Believe… that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be something else to take its place.

-I Believe… that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

-I Believe… that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

-I Believe… that my best friend and I can do anything and nothing and have the best time.

-I Believe… that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up.

–I Believe… that sometimes when I’m angry, I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

-I Believe… that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

-I Believe… that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them, and less to do with how many birthday’s you’ve celebrated.

-I Believe… that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

-I Believe… that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

-I Believe… that just because two people argue doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue doesn’t mean they do.

-I Believe… that no matter how badly your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

-I Believe… that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

-I Believe…that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret.  It could change your life forever.

-I Believe… that that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

-I Believe… that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don’t even know you.

-I Believe… that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

My grandpa... in his day.

-I Believe… that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

–I Believe… that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

Happy Monday, everyone. Say what you mean today… before it’s too late.