There is love, of course. And then there’s life, its enemy. ~ Jean Anouilh
All my single ladies: Listen up. Yeah, you. With the Disney movies, and the comfort food, and the self-loathing. Your Sally-Sad-Sac Facebook statuses are 
depressing me, and I’m tired of you selling yourself short. Turn off The Bachelor, put down—scratch that, burn—that well-worn copy of He’s Just not that Into You and take heed: It is more than okay to be single, you will not die of loneliness, and there is nothing wrong with you. (I mean, I’m not a psychiatrist, there might be something wrong with you, but most likely there isn’t.)
I know it’s easy to get down on yourself these days. Maybe it’s a Midwest thing, but while national statistics show that couples are waiting longer to get married, reality shows us that our friends are dropping like flies. We not only know people who are engaged, married or pregnant, but we know LOTS of people who are engaged, married, or pregnant, and we’re still in our early 20’s. And we’re happy for them, we really are. It’s just starting to seem like maybe you got skipped during that last game of pass-the-Kool-Aid, or maybe you just don’t listen to enough Beyonce.
It also doesn’t help that while I’m telling you it’s okay to be single, people like Tracy McMillan are telling women everywhere that if they’re single, it’s because they’re one of six things: A bitch, a shallow bitch, a slut, a liar, a selfish bitch, or a bitch who’s wallowing in self-pity. [I would just like to nonchalantly mention that Ms. McMillan has been divorced three times and thinks one of the fundamental aspects of marriage is the ability to fart in front of your significant other.] McMillan is not only making herself sound like a desperate moron, she’s also perpetuating a sentiment that is both categorically untrue and so fucking stupid it makes me want to punch kittens in the face: If you’re still single, there is clearly something wrong with you.
As a girl who is happily single and not sure she ever wants to get married, I think I’m entitled to say “Fuck you, McMillan. My un-married, un-divorced ass says you’re missing something.” So let me reiterate: there is nothing wrong with you. You’re not single because you aren’t pretty enough, or smart enough, or good enough. Sure, some asshole with small-man syndrome and mommy issues may have dumped you for those reasons, but that is not why you’re single. In fact, it may be quite the opposite. I think the biggest mistake we make is entertaining that stereotypical idea that perfect, beautiful women can have whatever they want. Wrong. We could all be gorgeous, smart, independent, driven, funny, strong, and sexy—hell, we could even love to drink beer and watch sports—and still be single.
Contrary to popular belief, all of those qualities don’t make one a boy’s biggest fantasy, but rather his worst nightmare. Show me one amazing
woman, and I’ll show you one hundred silly little boys sprinting in the other direction; from what I can tell, nothing scares a boy more than a woman who doesn’t need him. (Note: I said “boy” and not “man.”) I mean, hello? Jennifer Aniston? Homegirl’s had more breakups than Joan Rivers has had surgeries, and she’s one of the hottest, smartest, and, most importantly, happiest bitches in Hollywood. I’m just saying, it’s harder for Angie to run away when she’s already produced or purchased 35 of Brad’s kids.
So now that the myth has been debunked, I know what you’re thinking. “Ok, genius, then why the fuck am I single?” And you know what? I have no idea. Maybe it’s because you’re so concerned about being single that you’re not living your life. Maybe it’s because you’re surrounding yourself with assholes. Maybe it’s because you’re an asshole. Or maybe it’s because you just haven’t met the right person yet. Like this CNN blogger points out in her response to McMillan, life has a funny way of ruining your plans. So in the grand scheme of things, the real question is, “Who the hell cares?”
Again, I’m no psychiatrist, but I firmly believe that the only reason the women around me are so fucking miserable about not finding their soul mate is because people tell them they should be. But think about your life, and I’m sure you’ll find plenty of reasons to love it. I mean, I’m thinking about mine. I love my job, I live in a beautiful place, and I can do whatever I want without feeling guilty or worrying about someone else’s plans. I have friends to go to movies with, run with, or shop with, and I don’t have to explain or worry about someone’s feelings when I just need some time to myself.
Writing this on a Friday night. Who you callin' slutty?
It’s easy to say that girls who like being single are bitter or slutty, but I’m not. I’ve been single most of my life, and it wasn’t for lack of opportunity, that’s for damn sure (and not all of the “opportunities” were douche-canoes). I look back on the happiest times of my life—my trip to Africa, my dream internship in DC, the year I turned 21 and destroyed my GPA, the present—and they all have one thing in common: I was single. And I wasn’t worried that I was single. I mean, isn’t that amazing? I haven’t met the man of my dreams and I can still be happy? Shut the front door!!
So, are you with me? Are you willing to quit holding yourself back and accept that sometime’s you’re single and that’s okay? Then take one last longing look at your friends’ engagement photos and give yourself a good, mental bitch slap. Realize that you are good enough to wait for the dude who really gets you. Who doesn’t cheat or lie or make you feel like you’re settling. Go have fun. Sleep with that pretty guy with his own name tattooed on his arm because he’s too dumb to spell it. Chase your dream career. Value your friends, family, and yourself, and live your life! Someone who really digs you for you will be drawn to it. Just promise you’ll stop with the self-loathing, and enjoy being young and carefree–don’t apologize, just own it. Let yourself be happy, and I promise you, you will be.
Hey, I’ll even start: I’m a messy, sarcastic, chick-flick-hating bachelorette who swears like a sailor and drinks wine straight from the bottle. You can call me a selfish, shallow, slutty, lying bitch but I’ll be damned if you catch me wallowing in self pity. I have goals, and I plan to reach them. I’m sorry I’m not sorry. If you don’t like it, you are more than welcome to go fuck yourself.
And seriously, enough with the Facebook statuses…
Far too many people are looking for the right person, instead of trying to be the right person. ~ Gloria Steinem
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