Relationshits: On Being Single

There is love, of course. And then there’s life, its enemy. ~ Jean Anouilh

All my single ladies: Listen up. Yeah, you. With the Disney movies, and the comfort food, and the self-loathing. Your Sally-Sad-Sac Facebook statuses are depressing me, and I’m tired of you selling yourself short. Turn off The Bachelor, put down—scratch that, burn—that well-worn copy of He’s Just not that Into You and take heed: It is more than okay to be single, you will not die of loneliness, and there is nothing wrong with you. (I mean, I’m not a psychiatrist, there might be something wrong with you, but most likely there isn’t.)

I know it’s easy to get down on yourself these days. Maybe it’s a Midwest thing, but while national statistics show that couples are waiting longer to get married, reality shows us that our friends are dropping like flies. We not only know people who are engaged, married or pregnant, but we know LOTS of people who are engaged, married, or pregnant, and we’re still in our early 20’s. And we’re happy for them, we really are. It’s just starting to seem like maybe you got skipped during that last game of pass-the-Kool-Aid, or maybe you just don’t listen to enough Beyonce.

It also doesn’t help that while I’m telling you it’s okay to be single, people like Tracy McMillan are telling women everywhere that if they’re single, it’s because they’re one of six things: A bitch, a shallow bitch, a slut, a liar, a selfish bitch, or a bitch who’s wallowing in self-pity. [I would just like to nonchalantly mention that Ms. McMillan has been divorced three times and thinks one of the fundamental aspects of marriage is the ability to fart in front of your significant other.] McMillan is not only making herself sound like a desperate moron, she’s also perpetuating a sentiment that is both categorically untrue and so fucking stupid it makes me want to punch kittens in the face: If you’re still single, there is clearly something wrong with you.

As a girl who is happily single and not sure she ever wants to get married, I think I’m entitled to say “Fuck you, McMillan. My un-married, un-divorced ass says you’re missing something.” So let me reiterate: there is nothing wrong with you. You’re not single because you aren’t pretty enough, or smart enough, or good enough. Sure, some asshole with small-man syndrome and mommy issues may have dumped you for those reasons, but that is not why you’re single. In fact, it may be quite the opposite. I think the biggest mistake we make is entertaining that stereotypical idea that perfect, beautiful women can have whatever they want. Wrong. We could all be gorgeous, smart, independent, driven, funny, strong, and sexy—hell, we could even love to drink beer and watch sports—and still be single.

Contrary to popular belief, all of those qualities don’t make one a boy’s biggest fantasy, but rather his worst nightmare. Show me one amazing woman, and I’ll show you one hundred silly little boys sprinting in the other direction; from what I can tell, nothing scares a boy more than a woman who doesn’t need him. (Note: I said “boy” and not “man.”) I mean, hello? Jennifer Aniston? Homegirl’s had more breakups than Joan Rivers has had surgeries, and she’s one of the hottest, smartest, and, most importantly, happiest bitches in Hollywood. I’m just saying, it’s harder for Angie to run away when she’s already produced or purchased 35 of Brad’s kids.

So now that the myth has been debunked, I know what you’re thinking. “Ok, genius, then why the fuck am I single?” And you know what? I have no idea. Maybe it’s because you’re so concerned about being single that you’re not living your life. Maybe it’s because you’re surrounding yourself with assholes. Maybe it’s because you’re an asshole. Or maybe it’s because you just haven’t met the right person yet. Like this CNN blogger points out in her response to McMillan, life has a funny way of ruining your plans. So in the grand scheme of things, the real question is, “Who the hell cares?”

Again, I’m no psychiatrist, but I firmly believe that the only reason the women around me are so fucking miserable about not finding their soul mate is because people tell them they should be. But think about your life, and I’m sure you’ll find plenty of reasons to love it. I mean, I’m thinking about mine. I love my job, I live in a beautiful place, and I can do whatever I want without feeling guilty or worrying about someone else’s plans. I have friends to go to movies with, run with, or shop with, and I don’t have to explain or worry about someone’s feelings when I just need some time to myself.

Writing this on a Friday night. Who you callin' slutty?

It’s easy to say that girls who like being single are bitter or slutty, but I’m not. I’ve been single most of my life, and it wasn’t for lack of opportunity, that’s for damn sure (and not all of the “opportunities” were douche-canoes). I look back on the happiest times of my life—my trip to Africa, my dream internship in DC, the year I turned 21 and destroyed my GPA, the present—and they all have one thing in common: I was single. And I wasn’t worried that I was single. I mean, isn’t that amazing? I haven’t met the man of my dreams and I can still be happy? Shut the front door!!

So, are you with me? Are you willing to quit holding yourself back and accept that sometime’s you’re single and that’s okay? Then take one last longing look at your friends’ engagement photos and give yourself a good, mental bitch slap. Realize that you are good enough to wait for the dude who really gets you. Who doesn’t cheat or lie or make you feel like you’re settling. Go have fun. Sleep with that pretty guy with his own name tattooed on his arm because he’s too dumb to spell it. Chase your dream career. Value your friends, family, and yourself, and live your life! Someone who really digs you for you will be drawn to it. Just promise you’ll stop with the self-loathing, and enjoy being young and carefree–don’t apologize, just own it. Let yourself be happy, and I promise you, you will be.

Hey, I’ll even start: I’m a messy, sarcastic, chick-flick-hating bachelorette who swears like a sailor and drinks wine straight from the bottle. You can call me a selfish, shallow, slutty, lying bitch but I’ll be damned if you catch me wallowing in self pity. I have goals, and I plan to reach them. I’m sorry I’m not sorry. If you don’t like it, you are more than welcome to go fuck yourself.

And seriously, enough with the Facebook statuses…

Far too many people are looking for the right person, instead of trying to be the right person. ~ Gloria Steinem

23 Lessons | In 23 Years

I’ve seen this done a few times, and with my birthday coming up in the year of “me,” I decided to jump on the bandwagon. Where I used to fear getting older, I now have feelings of gratitude and accomplishment for surviving another year. Yeah, that means I AM getting old. But, I’m rather giddy where I am today, and so I’ve decided to impart a few lessons I’ve learned (probably the hard way) that helped me get here over the past 23 years (or, you know, however long it’s been since I could talk and pee in a toilet).

23.) Force yourself out of your comfort zone. You’ll be amazed how much you learn.

22.) Money is a necessary evil, but there are more important things. Save a little for a rainy day, and spend the rest on experiences instead of possessions. I promise you’ll remember your impromptu road trip more than that unreasonably priced dress you wore on your birthday three years ago.

21.) Never let anyone take you for granted. If they don’t appreciate you, they don’t deserve to be in your life.

20.) You should, in fact, give a shit what’s going on around you. Read the news, and volunteer once in a while. It’s not going to kill you, but it may just save someone else.

19.) If you mean it, say it.

18.) Winning and losing are often simply matters of perspective. Actually, a lot of things are.

17.) You will never learn more about yourself and what you want than when you have to walk alone for a little while. Never let anyone else define who you are—and never let them make you forget it.

16.) “No one is irreplaceable” = bullshit. Some bridges are worth rebuilding. You’ll know when the other person is willing to meet you halfway.

15.) It’s all right to remain a “kid at heart”—in fact, I encourage it. But you have to learn to be a grown-up when it really counts.

14.) Beer and pizza with a great friend is the best therapy there is.

13.) Music—tangible evidence that someone, somewhere, sometime felt exactly as you’re feeling, and lived to tell the tale—can be as comforting as any religion.

12.) The most important, loveable, and inspirational things about the people who surround us are the things that make them different. Respect that. Appreciate that.

11.) Look on the bright side, and laugh at yourself. No matter what happens or how low you get—never lose your sense of humor.

10.) Everyone deserves another chance. Forgiveness is difficult, but liberating—the mark of a strong person. Grudges are easy, but heavy—they’ll only leave you cold.

9.) There are so many things about life over which we have no control. The past can’t be changed, nor the future certain. Only when you recognize and accept this can you actually live your life for all it’s worth.

8.) There isn’t just one person on this earth who is meant for you; be happy there are many. Love is not what Disney says it is, and often it isn’t enough. The white picket fence isn’t worth the torture of staying in a toxic relationship.

7.) Nobody’s indestructible. Be there for other people, but don’t forget to let them be there for you.

6.) Never regret anything. Make as many mistakes as possible, learn from them, let go, move on, repeat.

5.) Trust your instincts and don’t fear spontaneity. Some of my craziest decisions were the best I’ve ever made.

4.) There are no inherently bad people; only bad choices and bad circumstances. Everyone in this world does the best they can with the cards they’re dealt, and we all lose our way once in a while. Don’t be so quick to judge.

3.) You can’t please everyone—caring about what other people think of you is a horrible waste of time. Be good, but be yourself—and own it. If they don’t like it, fuck ‘em.

2.) There is a difference between compromise and sacrifice.  Never.  Ever.  Settle.

1.) Life really is short. Live accordingly. When we lose someone we love, we realize how much we allow ourselves to worry about trivial things. Always remind yourself what’s truly important and what won’t really matter in the end.

Well? Agree, disagree? Anything to add?

Today’s Life Lessons… from Jimmy Johns?

In addition to being a film, music, and book nerd, I am also a self-diagnosed quote junkie. While wasting a lazy Saturday watching endless episodes of the OC (don’t even judge) some months back, a few friends and I decided to grab some lunch downtown and stumbled upon something I can’t help but share.

The following pieces of inspiration have been thieved from a poster, found inside a Jimmy Johns in the East Village. It was an odd/surprising place to find such a thing; nevertheless, I found it incredibly relevant and sometimes  even powerful. Please enjoy the advice and words of wisdom as much as I have, and look for actual updates on my grown up life later this week (hint: I’d love it if you’d keep your fingers crossed for me over the next few days), upon my return from Colorado. As I said, enjoy… and let me know which ones are your favorites!

-I Believe… that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

-I Believe… that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you once in a while, and you’re going to have to forgive them for that.

-I Believe… that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

-I Believe… that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for   life.

-I Believe… that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

-I Believe… that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.  It may be the last time you see them.

-I Believe… that you can keep going long after you can’t.

-I Believe… that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

-I Believe… that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be something else to take its place.

-I Believe… that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

-I Believe… that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

-I Believe… that my best friend and I can do anything and nothing and have the best time.

-I Believe… that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up.

–I Believe… that sometimes when I’m angry, I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

-I Believe… that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

-I Believe… that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them, and less to do with how many birthday’s you’ve celebrated.

-I Believe… that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

-I Believe… that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

-I Believe… that just because two people argue doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue doesn’t mean they do.

-I Believe… that no matter how badly your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

-I Believe… that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

-I Believe…that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret.  It could change your life forever.

-I Believe… that that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

-I Believe… that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don’t even know you.

-I Believe… that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

My grandpa... in his day.

-I Believe… that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

–I Believe… that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

Happy Monday, everyone. Say what you mean today… before it’s too late.